SPAM FICTION

This is a cryptic SPAM repository. I have found fragments of FICTION. I have found poetry. I have found secret messages. I have found divinity. I am whole because of the unrequested messages that fall into my inbox. Seek truth. Seek SPAM. But first tell me, why am I wasting my life?

The quoted texts are probably copyright. I recieved them as junk filler in SPAM email, inserted to distract the filters that would otherwise kill the message. Rarely does it work, so I shuffle through the SPAM box and look for gems. Texts are included as editorial exerpts. I editorialize, or otherwise try to interpret their meanings or derivations. Tell me, why am I wasting my life?

After collecting these fragments of SPAM FICTION for as long as I have, I am starting to notice a real trend. There are a disproportionate number of advertisements for penis enlargement drugs. Viagra, Cialis, Xanax. Either those are top sellers… or the market is slow, and they figure the only way to boost sales is to pepper my email account with low resolution plugs for drugs. Either way, as I’m not really needing those particular pharmaceuticals, I’m still –by far — more interested in the gobble-dee-gook that tags along. Such as:

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I get the feeling that this is like a retarded extract from the long lost sequel to Brokeback Mountain — or soemthing equally odd. Read it again. I think you’ll agree.

My mail account automatically hides images sent in untrustworthy email, so I didn’t see the full color spread of enhancement pills hiding atop this particular excerpt. No clicky for yous.

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Sadly enough I all-too-quickly recognized this poorly edited patchwork of Pride and Prejudice that appeared in my in box this morning. Again, I wonder how Austen would feel about a bastardized bit of her work being sold on the spam market and used to sell Viagra.

The SPAM says to me [sic]: “Just disolve half a pil under your tongue and get ready for action
in 15 minutes.” Call me silly, but adding the following quote where a TIMEFRAME is casually mentioned is not — exactly — an effective advertising strategy. C’mon, a millisecond?

and stood, in the same millisecond, at Jonathan’s shoulder. “It’s kind of
Benchmarks

SPAM aside, and call me an old fashioned writer if you will, but using metric terminology in either description or dialogue has always sounded off-kilter. No one actually uses those terms, and if they do they shouldn’t. I once, long ago when I was a wee tot in an elementary school assembly, had the opportunity to listen to Gordon Korman speak. Only one thing lurks in my mind when I read things like this: he, a Canadian, insisted that it sounds plain wrong to use the phrase “she centimetered her way along the floor” when you should say “she inched her way along the floor.” Just plain wrong.